This is my kinda my life here. I live somewhere just long enough to get settled, and then I pick up again.
I’m feeling so much right now.
It has been a really blessed 4 months of being a madricha (dorm counselor), and it wasn’t my choice to leave. I have been giving everything of me to this place, using every tool I have in me to make a positive connection with the girls. Yet somehow, it’s not clicking. There’s something that’s not connecting, and I’m at a loss of how to bridge the divide.
Some things just take time, I figured, but the head of the program sat me down a couple days ago and told me she thought otherwise. When I asked for feedback- “What should I be doing differently?” -she had none to give me. She said that I had done everything right and put my soul into it, but there’s just not enough chemistry.
I have one month to figure out my life before I have to leave.
It’s painful to write this.
A big part of my identity is wrapped around the difference that I make to others and their perception of me. I love being a madricha. It is the ultimate joy to connect to people. And, thank G-d, I KNOW I’m good at it. So when I saw that this job wasn’t working out… It was like a punch to my stomach. I felt like I failed at my purpose. I am SUPPOSED TO BE a rockstar madricha, so how did I mess up? The feeling is still there, sinking in my stomach and holding me captive.
But just today, I realized something that opened up my mind. I am only here to pick up sparks. Every time that I need to make a life change, I am given the opportunity to deliver and find more holiness somewhere else. There are sparks that have my name on them, and once I’ve made acquaintance with them… well then, it’s time to move on to find more.
It’s really more than that; it’s an opportunity to find more holiness in myself. Who knows what type of person these sparks will help me morph into?
This is move #10 since making Aliyah. Some of my journeys have been small and expected, and some have not, but I see now that I am being taught something. This can’t be a mistake. This is my journey, the one I hope my kids will have in their souls when they are born; the love of Eretz Yisrael, the faith in Hashem, and the courage to stay in the game.
Something feels different about this move then the other times. Of course, there’s the usual massive dose of anxiety regarding moving all my possessions again- and in this case, there’s the additional pressure to find a new way to support myself financially and a new apartment to move into- but instead of feeling angry at G-d, I’ve been going to sleep so full of gratitude. I don’t know why, but I just keep whispering “thank you.” I do cry randomly throughout the day just thinking about all the unknown, but I feel like there is something special coming up, and I just don’t know what it is yet.
Maybe it has to do with this Jewish month, Adar. It’s the month of rejoicing, and what more of a reason is there to rejoice than when I believe that I am in good hands and being guided towards my next destination? Since making Aliyah, I have not given myself the chance to feel fully taken care of. I think it’s time.
Adar is also a month of miracles, when the Jewish nation was saved when it looked like there was no chance of survival.
This time around, I’m giving myself the tremendous challenge of not doing any more searching. This time, I’m just going to pray. I’m going to give in to the truth that the world is full of good things just waiting for me to pray for them. And I’m stopping to worry about what will be in 4 week’s time. What will be will be… and it will be good.