I think there’s no way to define insanity, because everyone has their own version of it. I always thought I was somewhat insane. Thank G-d, now I have the clarity and maturity to know with certainty that I am. I say this because I feel like a different person each time I post; so much happens in a few months that I can barely recognize the author of the last one.
Since my sister’s wedding, I’ve been settling into my new apartment. The view is crazy magnificent, overlooking Jerusalem, with the sun setting each night just a arm’s reach away. My roommate and I have been making our room homey with flowers and matching linen.
The BEST thing happened completely unexpectedly: my mother and sister, Neshama, came in for my cousin’s wedding! If that’s not heaven on earth…well, you probably don’t remember heaven. I got to show Neshama around Israel, play games and write songs with her, trip with the two of them to the Old City, and show them around my life.
My mother loves Israel with all her heart, and that’s trickled into myself and all my siblings. Neshama had been wanting to visit since she was little, and she looked so natural here.
School is getting easier now that I’ve completed the first semester.
Music has been my savior; I’ve been making songs about the acupuncture points to memorize them all. I was a nervous wreck before finals, completely convinced that I would fail. I was genuinely shocked when my grades came back good- Baruch Hashem! I’m beginning to realize that school may take longer than the 4 years I planed it to, since I’m also supporting myself at the same time, and so I can’t do full time school. Still, The notion that things can change in an instant is quite familiar to me at this point.Speaking of support, I’m on the job hunt again, since the people I work for go away a lot in the winter, and I need something to fill the gaps.
Until now, my perspective has read along the lines of ‘do whatever it takes to stay in Israel, even if that means scrubbing floors every day,’ but I’m so ready for something more; something less about survival and more about fulfillment. I want to work with people and use my strengths for the larger Jewish community. There are so many opportunities out there, some of which I’ve applied for , and many more that I’m sure I can create myself, so I’m just opening myself up to the possibilities (and taking any babysitting jobs I can find in the meantime 😉 )
The weird thing is, now that it’s been three months in my new apartment, I’m already considering the next move and change. It’s like I forgot how to be still and accept stability. My mind has become comfortable being in constant motion, so quiet is not something I’ve felt ready to search out. Yet at the same time, I have this strong knowledge that the only way I can give my all and live most fulfilled is if I force the silence on myself. This has led me to do a lot more writing this past week, begin learning more about energy and energetic boundaries, sign myself up to therapy, and spend more time on introspection in general.
I feel like now that Hashem has given me the opportunity to feel at home in Israel, it’s the most opportune time to prepare myself for marriage, so relationships have been a big focus of mine as of late; recognizing where unhealthy dynamics come from and how I can fix them. I’ve also dated lots of guys in the past year and a half, and though many of them have been high quality people, they weren’t who I see myself with at all. If I can clarify who I am and what type of person I’m looking for, I believe I will have a much easier time meeting and recognizing him when the time is ripe.
AND…..my latest favorite thing about living in Israel is student support! I went to the Bituach Leumi (national tax) office and got a discount on my monthly taxes, plus half off my bus pass for the year! Also, did I mention that college here comes out to just a few thousand dollars a year? Crazy.
Anyway, here are some pictures from the past few months. My brother Gavriel is here for yeshiva this year, so we have been hanging out a lot, and my friend Myriam (check out her photography here) recently moved here too. So much to be thankful for.
2 thoughts on “Settling Down, Finding Silence, and Other Updates :)”
Batya, wow! What an inspiring journey! I can really relate to the many things you went through and wrote about, as I myself came to Eretz Yisrael – as a 14-year-old – to study in yeshivah. I can honestly say that it is the best decision I have ever made, and I don’t regret it whatsoever. So never give up, and I hope your family will soon join you here in our holy land (I know mine did – eventually 😉 ). By the way, are you still looking for a shidduch?
That’s incredible that you came on you own so young, and how awesome that your family followed! Yup, still single.