Feeling a tremendous amount of angst right now thinking about leaving my family behind. I’m just imagining all their birthdays without me, their performances, celebrations, little hugs. Reading to them, tickling them, late night drives and relaxing around the fireplace. So many things I’m choosing to miss just to be in the Holy Land. I don’t doubt I’m supposed to be there…I just hope that now is the right time. I made such a big decision in such a short period of time. Maybe I should have waited until I am married? At least then, I’d be moving with company.
But now I remind myself why I chose this; this move will allow me to learn Hebrew and understand Israeli society and bureaucracy (if that’s even possible!), so I can raise a family there.
And yet, this lump in my throat is still present, and it’s hard to think logically when I’m so caught up in sadness.
And then, there’s the main reason I’m moving: moshiach is coming! I’m going to be in Israel for the day when he arrives, I hope, and I’ll greet my family when they come. I’m supposed to believe he can come any day, and I DO-but it’s still torture not to know how long I’ll have to wait until they join me.
As I’m writing this, I’m wondering why I chose to share my feelings publicly; I wrote then out already in my journal. I think the reason is because I want other olim to know that no decision of this enormity comes without mixed emotions. Aliyah is so bittersweet. Admitting that this is awfully painful doesn’t lessen the joy it brings me. This is the most extraordinary opportunity I’ve ever been gifted with! I only hope that I’m truly following my intuition and choosing the path that leads me to where I can serve Hashem best. And who knows what I’ll find there? Maybe I’ll even find myself.